back at it again...

I'm sitting here thinking "today may actually be the day". I a feel a sense of growth everyday [emotionally speaking] and today just might be the day when I meet the height requirement to move on.

No, I am not in a relationship.

I'd like to think that I was in a glass box. ..Box, because I felt stuck. ..Glass, because there was no way of hiding how I felt while in this mix. I will admit, I was CONFUSED as hell. For almost a yr and a half I've been seeking answers. Actions told me things that words weren't telling me. I couldn't understand that though. We'd talk about everything else and because the words were never spoken - I began to question the actions. ...Then I didn't know what to do because the actions were so DEEP. I would like to think that the things that were done - weren't done to all 'friends'. && I don't mean sexual things, just intimate things.

I love this person. && I find it odd that I can just come out and say that because I was never able to just come out and say something soo strong - with such ease. I wasn't able to do this until I realized I was hit w. the confusion stick. I questioned how he felt and never really took into acct whether or not he questioned how I felt. I knew I was showing love but just as I wanted the words I figured that he might as well. It was then that became the spokesperson for my heart. I told him and I told him and I showed him and I tried on numerous occassions to ignore him [itd last a while - but never forever] Ive been on missions to forget him, only to return back to the memories. I cried a few times, out of frustration, pain, for closure.

...I can't even get into this the way I want to. smh.

bottom line is - I am not a perfect individual and neither is he. Two negatives equal a positive. ..making him perfect for me. [that's who I want. ...but this push/pull ish that's transpiring - I can't do it. I feel like I've given alot for this fight. I've exposed my inner self more than ever and I don't get anything in return. I'd respect a douche a little more because he'd str8 say what it is. The only one who can protect my feelings is God so I'd like to be spared the bs. If it's gonna hurt, I'd rather hurt than to feel absolutely nothing. That's ridiculous. ...but I guess that's life.

..hence the movement.

-xoxo