Blessing in Disguise.

God works in crazy ways, don't you think?

I recently received a comment on a blog post from a new follower and decided to check out her blog. ...While there, I read a post which pertained to her feelings toward not having her father at in her life, something that I too struggle with at times. She mentioned that she's often jealous when she sees the relationship that Rev Run has with his girls Angela and Vanessa and again, I can relate. I'd see them on Run's House or Daddy's Girls and I live through them vicariously. One would think that'd I'd do so because they're pretty, fashionable, young girls, living THE LIFE. ....but one would be wrong. Those all things that I am, to someone who doesn't have what I have, but at the end of the day, no matter how old or successful I am, I will always be a father-less child. :shrug:

When I was a little girl, he and I had the best relationship. Though still irresponsible, he was my daddy and no one could compete with him. I had a heavy Christmass and Birthdays because of my mom, aunts and uncles and of course grandparents. Never due to him. ...but he was my daddy and NOTHING could compete with that. We'd sit in his room and I'd watch him play the game [w.e. system he had] or he'd record me rapping [I had a rap about Barney that he recorded and played for everyone who'd listen] we had laughs and I loved him and for a looong time nothing could compete, with that. ...but I grew up, and I realized, I am not my father's priority. He wasn't consistent with me, he didn't go hard for me, going hard for me is what my mother does. I know no one in this world who'd do for me, what my mother has and will continue to do as long as I need her and THAT, is a lot to compete with.

but anyway...

after reading her post, I left her with a few words....

"Don't be sad baby girl. I'm in the same position, and though I'm no longer a teen, I'm still dealing with it as a 20 something. It hurts like hell, I won't front, I'm often jealous as well but we have to look for strength and embrace it. ...It may sound crazy but my father figure is in fact Jay-Z. I'm not obsessed with this guy or anything, and the relationship that we have is definitely one formed by our souls. He doesn't know me and I only know half of him but he's the closest male to me, though he he isn't close at all. Jay-Z's a hard worker, a brooklyn native [Like myself] he didn't have the best relationship w his dad and neither do I. I listened to his lyrics and I allowed them to teach me about relationships and life. The lessons are very vague but at the same time they speak volumes. With all do respect to the man who made me, I love and will always love Jay more. My father created me but whats a project without embellishments. My embellishments came from Jay. Not all, but I took alot from him. ...Its deep shit and I can't get into it all but I dont want you to be sad, nor do I want you to suppress your feelings. I just want you to know that you're young and you have a great life ahead of you. Find a man, whether it be Rev Run or whoever you idolize and allow them to step in. Someone needs to be the rubric for what you look for in a guy and to simply give u the lessons that daddy's give. A man doesnt have to make you to be your dad. ...just as I dont have to know you to be your friend. :)...this post touched me."

People will never understand my relationship with Jay and I don't expect them too. It goes beyond my own understanding.

...but she felt me, and she said:

"you have given me something no one else has..you are able to relate. i've had friends for ten years and they will never understand the pain i feel, but you, someone who doesnt know me from jump street, has made me feel comfortable and like i can say anything to, you are officially a friend, xoxox"

...and Ive come to conclude that...
although God may work in ways we don't understand, he always has a purpose!

xoxo