<3 - Feel Me. [cont.]

Funny thing is, I've dealt w. more than one person. [that sounds slutty - but u get me]
Felt differently for them all but loving them all? - I know nothing about that.

My first bf was in highschool - it was the closest thing to a serious relationship that I've ever had. ..lasting two years. When I felt that strong feeling for him - I thought I loved him. I told him so and vice versa but as you grow, you learn [at least that's usually the plan]. I've basically summed the whole emotional sector of our relationship to be a very deep 'like'. I w/o a doubt cared for him but I can honestly say that it wasn't love.

& it took this new [not new at all - just the latest] feeling to determine that. It's a - leave [for a prd of time] and return w. the same strong feeling - type of feeling. ...That write you off only to resign you w. no regrets type of feeling. That - I feel this way and would love for you to feel the same way too, but can deal w. you not seeing my vision for us - type of feeling.

W. my first bf - I never felt that. so I thought it was love because before him - I never felt what I felt for him. && then I think if the person that I'm loving doesn't love me back and feelings only get better than this - Maybe this isn't the love Im looking for and from him, I appreciate the lack of.

I write poems constantly - love poems, mostly. && they often have nothing to do w. who's in the picture [if anyone]. - I mean its a good chance that they will reflect our involvement but when I speak deeply of love - BE CLEAR - its toward one person, and one person only.

I liked him - loved when I knew I loved him - and as much as I would love to forget him at times - it is inevitable and I kinda like that. It means, my heart isn't working for nothing. & I'm often reminded of that - everytime I get the urge to type "fuck you!" or some other reckless ish.

When I told myself in the beginning of the yr. that I was cutting all ties - I knew this wasn't a hoax. It was real shit. & for a few mths - I stood strong on that. - Until I softened up - and tried to tell myself - the only reason Im even engaging in convo w. him is because I don't care anymore - so why not speak if ur not mad. [I G'd it.] I cared - just psyched myself out. [not too hard]

The worst is when you un-psych. I un-psyched today. I got emotional and literally told my chica everything there is to know [[-] minor details] about us - startin from the introduction - to the 1st date - up until now. Her reactions to the memories- made me smile. I drew mental pictures of each story and I blushed on the inside.

&& you won't believe it but - this here post - this is me psyching. [to be cont.]

-xoxo